Journeying Beyond & Within

I have always considered myself to be a spiritual person. I based this on my superstitious beliefs in the unknown, of higher beings, and occasional prayers to whomever is listening.
I was confident in my beliefs that did not conform to a religion but were instead influenced by all. I was self-assured of my spirituality, evident by the Oracle cards on my bookshelf and my collection of cyrstals sprawled around the house.

It wasn't until very early this year, after a break up that left me moving in my with my father, to a home with no internet, that my mind and spirit wandered to places teaching me what spirituality is, and know now that I wasn't even close to worthy of holding that title.

I have been on a self journey these past few months, you see. The lack of internet and therefore entertainment left me desperate to amuse myself which I thankfully found with my journal, poetry and books. My mind was able to wander without distractions and my dreams have become more vivid than ever. As a result, I have been open to the coincidences occuring before me with an ability to see the signs, and have found answers to the questions I hadn't realised I had been asking.

I have learnt the results of wiltering energy. I understand now the signs: frustration and fatigue. Unpleasant snaps at people and an inability to focus. Not because I am physically exhausted from exercise or work - but simply from spending too much time with others and not enough with myself. My mind and body is a battery charged by relaxation, reflections and creating. My mind and body is no good to anyone on little power. I am proud of my ability to recognise the signs early and cancel or change plans accordingly with confidence that I am not being a lazy person, but am actually being a fair and considerate one.

Rose Quartz

I have felt the strain created from negativity. I sense the change in the atmosphere from a burst of anger and words hissed with hate. I hear the bellowing silence overcoming everyone as they sit and wait out the rant, flinching from every discriminatory comment like a physical blow. Although these encounters were extreme, it made me realise that even my negaive comments of hopelessness, or a judgy remark spoken mindlessly, would hold the same weight over time.

My days pass through conscious and aware eyes. Each day is adequately reflected, my moods are heard and discussed and their context noted so that the element of those days can either be recreated or avoided. I hear myself as I speak, and take in my words as if I am actually the listener. I note my tone and cringe when I speak from a damaged pride.
I wish to speak from love, with love.
I wish to speak from wander, with curiosity.
I wish to speak from glee, with humour.
And I wish to speak from careful consideration, with confidence.

I have learnt a lot in this still short year. It has been overwhelming as I find the answers to questions with coincidences; their accuracy almost magic.

However, knowledge is useless without the ability. My journey has become a stagnant river waiting for a rainfall to send it flowing. I know what I need to do and yet when a conflict or barrier arises, I forget, and obliviously return to my usual behaviour that does not serve me.
But practice makes perfect.