Sometimes it isn't you...

 The last five years of my life has rendered me feeling responsible for a lot of the problems in my life. In fairness, this is deserved. I am very much responsible for the bullshit that happens to me whether by my mental issues, my choices, my self-sabotaging behaviour etc, etc. 

My recent relationship was no different. 

What was simply supposed to be a conversation morphed quickly into an argument and it was my fault. I must not have been communicating properly? Perhaps my tone wasn't soft enough, that it sounded like an attack? 
My mental health was depleting quickly. That must be because I don't do enough yoga or meditation right? 
I am feeling insecure in my relationship. Surely that's because of my own insecurities that derived from my childhood trauma? 
I am not feeling appreciated in what I do. Perhaps my expecations are too high? I shouldn't expect gratitude all the time? 

I was so naively blind to the toxic behaviour right in front of me. Sometimes we care so much for someone, that it clouds our better judgement. And even though you feel so sad, so defeated, so worthless, you stay. Because you love them.

It took the break up for me to realise how unhappy I was. On the surface, we were so love in. We had so much fun. We were so affectionate and so loving. But that was just it. The entire relationship was on the surface. When the problems started, it was too much for him. Problems that every relationship faces, and problems that make you stronger when you communicate efficiently and solve it together, weren't worth it. 
We were weak. 

And I am weak too. Because regardless of all this; I still love him.

And it makes me think of Perks of Being a Wallflower. 

We settle for the love we think we deserve.