The Mental I

I have had many 'spiritual awakenings' in my still young life. Each one was different, enabling me to learn something new about myself, the world, my relationships, etc. etc. Some were better than others. Some were awful, but necessary. 

These past five months has been my greatest awakening in terms of significance. It's truly been beautiful. And this is how it started.

Picture this: I was going to the beach every morning, going for a jog and a swim in the calm morning sea. I would float on my back as I watched the rays of light hit the ocean as the sun emerged from behind the hills and I'd attempt to submerge myself in the moment, but all I could think was, "I wish people could see how carefree and outdoorsy I am right now". I was also meditating daily, and I was getting pretty good at it. I was writing in my journal, setting manifestations, doing yoga and pilates. Not to mention I was getting very familiar with my tarot deck. 

And yet I felt like a fraud. 

I did not feel like a fraud because being spiritual was odd or strange to me. Even when I'm not going through a spiritual 'awakening', spiritual practices has been incorporated in my every day life for years. From the crystals I wear and decorate my home with, to my monthly full moon practices. So that is not why I felt like an imposter. 

I felt like a fraud because despite all my attempts to get better and expand my practices and become this fucking amazing-ass powerful goddess, I was still plagued with depressive thoughts, daydreaming of potential futures and presents in order to escape my own, loneliness, nightmares, jealousy, inadequacy, and just generally living on a low frequency all around. It didn't make sense to me. What was I doing wrong? 

A few months ago I was contacted by a philosopher and author who wanted me to edit his book. After meeting with him and discussing the manuscript, I immediately noticed the similarities it had with the Celestine Prophecy and The Alchemist, both of which had profound impacts on me after reading them. I was excited and eager to proceed and I've since been very glad about my choice. 

I am not even half-way through editing this novel and it has already had a significant impact on me. I talk about it daily, telling my friends about the points and ideas the author has made about living a happy and fulfilling life. It has changed the way I see the world, people and things. It has allowed me to find a sense of wholeness and fullness that couldn't be granted by Rose Quartz or the new moon, and instead was inside me all along. And I get to be a part of it!!!

The Tightrope Walker (the novel) discusses in one of the chapters how there is two versions of us. The physical us, and the 'mental' us. The mental us is this image of our identity we have, however it only exists in the mental plane. When someone tells you, "Wow, you're so creative", in your mind the image of the 'mental you' changes to incorporate creativeness. Every adjective people give us is stored into our mind and our mental identity changes accordingly. And then everyday we do things in order to hold on to those titles and show that we are worthy. The more people that tell us we are particular things, or the more awards we win for being those things, the stronger our mental identity becomes - and the stronger our attachment to it. 
We work hard to prove ourselves to the world that we are everything we believe we are, and if one person, just one, says otherwise, it hurts us and shakes us to our core. 
We become obsessed and determined to show them that they have it wrong about us, and we become determined to win that adjective back, from them or someone else. But that part of our identity didn't cease to exist merely because someone didn't see it. We are who we are regardless of whether people notice or point it out. So why do we care so much about meaningless words? Why do we let these mental identities control our entire existence? 

Sasan, the author, articulately explains in this book what I think deep down we already know. 

He has led me to further consider how far we will go for external approval, and how desperate we are to be perceived in a particular way.
So I deleted my Instagram.
Sure, deleting your social media app may not seem like a huge deal, but it is - it seriously fricking is. And also, even if you aren't impressed by my act of defiance against the patriarchy, I am and that's all that matters ((:

Anywho, deleting my Instagram was the catalyst to a lot of major changes in my life. It was a slow progress, but since then I have embraced my authentic self. I am who I am and I am not who I am not. That's it. Honestly, I don't overthink it anymore. I won't be held back or tied down my mental identity; living in accordance to this made up person in my head. And I won't hold other people responsible to the idea I had of them in my mind or my personal expectations. My 'mental me' doesn't exist. I do. And you know what else exists? Everything. I'm done with living in my head.

I still have some ways to go regarding my awakening - and journey for that matter, but I'm super proud of the progress I've made. I was yearning for other people's attention, seeking 'adjectives' to add to my mental identity, feeling like I was in a secret competition with everyone else, and felt a deep dismay for myself because I was a failure in the eyes of society.

Now I feel a liberating sense of freedom, love, excitement and wholeness. 

Our deepest issue is that we seek external validation and approval for everything. Instead of enjoying life, embracing our gifts, living in accordance to our personal truths, and acting with love, we are tormented with thoughts like, "You're almost 25. Where's your house? Your family? Your marriage?" Orr, "You're seriously going to move to Melbourne? Shouldn't you be settling down in Perth, getting a full time job you hate, and shutting the heck up?" and "What will so-and-so think about you?"

Do you ever feel so happy, living in the absolute moment, and then suddenly the thoughts return and you feel guilty for reasons you're not sure about? Wondering, "What am I doing here?" When only a moment before you had been happy to be exactly where you were?

Our mind is the culprit and our train of thoughts were planted into our brains at a young age. Living freely doesn't fit into society or the capitalist regime. There is money to be made on our weaknesses, our fears, our need for validation. Our competitiveness and lack of satisfaction is what makes people go further and further in their jobs, make more and more money, and exploit more and more people. 

Life is beautiful and amazing; it's our mind that complicates everything. 

You think being rich and famous will make you happy, but happiness is a being. It can be borrowed but it can not be given and it certainly cannot be bought. 

We need to understand that the feelings we get from adoration, praise and external validation is temporary and addictive. 

"It's like pouring buckets of water into a dried up spring" - The Tightrope Walker.