Thursday, 19 July 2018

Thinking Light

These past two weeks have been pretty significant for me. I thought I had reached a point of content-ness. A point where I despised my week days, but gave in because I didn't have a choice in the matter. A point where I avoided my phone with complete ease over the weekends because not only did I want to withdraw into myself and block out all communication with the outside world, including my friends, but I couldn't even deal with the photographic glimpses of the outside world on my phone. A point where I had convinced those around me, and even myself, that I am a picky person and as a result will not waste my time with people I deemed unworthy. Which is apparently everyone.  

I was in a state of ambivalence. I got up each day, looking forward to the holiday I had planned (far) in my horizon, but constantly checking the time at my work, day dreaming of 4:30pm when I could drive home and yell at other drivers, watch mindless television for four hours, then go to sleep only to wake up wishing I could sleep forever and not have to do anything.

I didn't think there was anything wrong in my life. I was fine with it. I was saving money. Instead of feeling that I needed more friends, I began thinking I had too many, and one by one came up with plausible excuses to cut them from my life. It was strange. But it was fine. I had my partner after all who I love dearly, so did I really need anything else?

Then my older sister, who is wise, but makes more mistakes than anyone else that I know, had a medical appointment she asked me to attend. She stayed over my place that night and to distract her from the appointment that we had attended early that morning, I pulled out my oracle cards which were covered with dust, and decided to a reading on my sister.

It was pretty crazy how five cards fell out of her hands as she shuffled them (the exact number we needed for that particular reading) and all focused on the fact that a) she had no freedom b) had little privacy and c) she was trapped in a 'soul cage' that she is supposedly leaving. They were relevant seeing as she jut left her husband whom she had four kids with, due to his habit that put the family in danger, and made it even more difficult to make ends meet. It was a hard fight to leave, but she did it. Crazy huh?

Then there were mine. The cards told me I had changed myself in order to be more comfortable in a relationship or in general society. The cards said that I would rather make no mistake than any mistake at all. The cards said that I had lost myself.

My initial reaction to my sister reading these to me was, "Pfftsh. I'm very happy. I told you these cards don't work on me." 
Then my sister began to clarify. "You said you don't have any friends at work and that you sit alone rather than with the other girls. Is that because you don't like them, or because you're worried they won't like you?" 
Brain: *explodes*

The cards were right. I wasn't happy with my life. I was settling for it. I had a "I don't have a choice" attitude about everything instead of a "I wonder what today will bring?" 

So the past two weeks I have started meditating, which might sound silly but as a result I don't stare at the time all day. I just try and enjoy the moment because the moment won't be here forever. Instead of swearing at other drivers and sticking my finger up, I take a deep breath and tell myself, it literally does not matter. Why does this need to affect me? I will never see them again. 
Instead of sitting alone I sit with the girls at work, which yes, they found strange but at least now I enjoy my lunches now and have a bit of a laugh. I am getting along better with everyone because I'm actually trying as opposed to not trying at all. 

It's obvious that over these past 12 months, my levels of confidence have dramatically dropped and had resulted in me hiding from the world and my life at any opportunity. 

So I'm thinking light. I'm focusing on my good qualities and not my bad. I'm taking a deep breath before I react. I'm trying to enjoy every moment because that moment will never come back. 

I know that we hear sayings like this all the time, but honestly, it wasn't my life that I was settling for. It was myself. I have noticed miraculous changes, especially with my energy, since forcing myself to think more positive. And it's only been two weeks. 

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