Grief & Growth
Everything changes.
Change used to be an unbearable fear for me. The plummeting collapses in my mental health were not for the things occurring, but for the bone shaking terror of what will.
I accept the fact more graciously but find that my subconscious does not. My calm exterior and positive attitude is suddenly no match against my self-conflicting brain. It presents what ifs whilst focussing on the worst possible outcomes. My conscious and subconscious contradict each other and my subconscious usually wins because it plans its tactics and points in secret before bombarding me at the worst of times.
I have experienced more change this year than I have in the last few years, put together. Understandably, I believe this has influenced the drops in my sanity. In saying this, it has been a good year, regardless of the major lows. I value self-growth over anything. I am in competition with myself, on the constant search for wisdom. And I think I have found some.
I have moved houses a total of 4 times. I am currently in a household that comes with its struggles; the old age and years of neglect being one of them, but I feel more confident about this place than I had about the other 3.
I have let go of long-term close friends. I have made new ones. And I left a five year relationship with whom I thought I was going to be with forever.
These circumstances have combined to create an extremely eventful and difficult year, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way, because I have learnt:
1. That fear is not always a bad thing.
I was scared to leave my relationship. I was scared to let go of everything I knew, my life and what would be. I was scared of being alone and I was scared I would never find happiness with someone else. But even more than that, I was scared to stay. I was scared that my bleak contentness would never ease and only fester, before imploding when there was a binding certificate and dependants that would experience what I don't want my kids to ever experience.
Either outcome seemed like a lose lose. But I listened to my fear and did exactly what I was too scared to do, because as I said, it is the build up that is more terrifying than the actual event for me. I realised the constant wonder of What If? was worse than playing it safe and the potential regret that would come along with it.
And truthfully, after the first initial weeks of self-doubt, I haven't looked back.
2. People who speak terribly about other people speak terribly about you.
Two close friends in the past two years have exhibited this tendency. I am naive. I believe that they are merely confiding their issues with other people to me because I am their best friend. But if you listen carefully, particularly to the insignificance of their complaints, it becomes clear that the main issue is them. Some people love to gossip. Some people have low self-esteem and need to put other people down in an act of self-rightousness.
Don't trust these people. If they can easily speak lowly about the closest people in their lives, chances are that they speak lowly about you too. And that's not on you - it's on them.
3. People's perception of me does not define me.
4. A home is the people who make it.
The household I currently reside in was a place I never thought I would live. I am rooming with a close friend who I adore but always found that our standards of living was too different for a collaboration. But this friend took me in when I needed somewhere to go and I am surprised to find that we live in harmony. Sure, I clean a lot and am still trying to remove evidence of neglect, but I am happy. I am at home. I get back from work in a happy mood. I wake up excited to see them. I am free to absolutely just be.
I'm right where I need to be.
And
5. Real friends support you, not criticise you.
I am into astrology, tarot and star signs. My previous housemate would roll her eyes and mock me if it was ever mentioned. I felt humiliated and silly. My current housemates encourage this. They are interested in my readings and give me applauses when my findings are crazily accurate, and it feels great to have that encouragement and that love. Like, they are just so happy that I am happy and that right there is the definition of friendship
.
Real friends also stand by you during even your worst of times. They don't mention everything you do that they do not agree with because at the end of the day, they are a mere spectator in your life. They do not get to have an active in say yours.
If you ever have a friend who says "I told you so", when you don't take their advice, eff them off. It's emotional controlling behaviour disguised in helpfulness with an aim to belittle you.
Anways, there you have it. These conclusions came in ways that was not pleasant. Learning is a difficult process, but its necessary, and you come out better on the other side.
Grief and growth really do go hand in hand.
Change used to be an unbearable fear for me. The plummeting collapses in my mental health were not for the things occurring, but for the bone shaking terror of what will.
I accept the fact more graciously but find that my subconscious does not. My calm exterior and positive attitude is suddenly no match against my self-conflicting brain. It presents what ifs whilst focussing on the worst possible outcomes. My conscious and subconscious contradict each other and my subconscious usually wins because it plans its tactics and points in secret before bombarding me at the worst of times.
I have experienced more change this year than I have in the last few years, put together. Understandably, I believe this has influenced the drops in my sanity. In saying this, it has been a good year, regardless of the major lows. I value self-growth over anything. I am in competition with myself, on the constant search for wisdom. And I think I have found some.
I have moved houses a total of 4 times. I am currently in a household that comes with its struggles; the old age and years of neglect being one of them, but I feel more confident about this place than I had about the other 3.
I have let go of long-term close friends. I have made new ones. And I left a five year relationship with whom I thought I was going to be with forever.
These circumstances have combined to create an extremely eventful and difficult year, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way, because I have learnt:
1. That fear is not always a bad thing.
I was scared to leave my relationship. I was scared to let go of everything I knew, my life and what would be. I was scared of being alone and I was scared I would never find happiness with someone else. But even more than that, I was scared to stay. I was scared that my bleak contentness would never ease and only fester, before imploding when there was a binding certificate and dependants that would experience what I don't want my kids to ever experience.
Either outcome seemed like a lose lose. But I listened to my fear and did exactly what I was too scared to do, because as I said, it is the build up that is more terrifying than the actual event for me. I realised the constant wonder of What If? was worse than playing it safe and the potential regret that would come along with it.
And truthfully, after the first initial weeks of self-doubt, I haven't looked back.
2. People who speak terribly about other people speak terribly about you.
Two close friends in the past two years have exhibited this tendency. I am naive. I believe that they are merely confiding their issues with other people to me because I am their best friend. But if you listen carefully, particularly to the insignificance of their complaints, it becomes clear that the main issue is them. Some people love to gossip. Some people have low self-esteem and need to put other people down in an act of self-rightousness.
Don't trust these people. If they can easily speak lowly about the closest people in their lives, chances are that they speak lowly about you too. And that's not on you - it's on them.
3. People's perception of me does not define me.
4. A home is the people who make it.
The household I currently reside in was a place I never thought I would live. I am rooming with a close friend who I adore but always found that our standards of living was too different for a collaboration. But this friend took me in when I needed somewhere to go and I am surprised to find that we live in harmony. Sure, I clean a lot and am still trying to remove evidence of neglect, but I am happy. I am at home. I get back from work in a happy mood. I wake up excited to see them. I am free to absolutely just be.
I'm right where I need to be.
And
5. Real friends support you, not criticise you.
I am into astrology, tarot and star signs. My previous housemate would roll her eyes and mock me if it was ever mentioned. I felt humiliated and silly. My current housemates encourage this. They are interested in my readings and give me applauses when my findings are crazily accurate, and it feels great to have that encouragement and that love. Like, they are just so happy that I am happy and that right there is the definition of friendship
.
Real friends also stand by you during even your worst of times. They don't mention everything you do that they do not agree with because at the end of the day, they are a mere spectator in your life. They do not get to have an active in say yours.
If you ever have a friend who says "I told you so", when you don't take their advice, eff them off. It's emotional controlling behaviour disguised in helpfulness with an aim to belittle you.
Anways, there you have it. These conclusions came in ways that was not pleasant. Learning is a difficult process, but its necessary, and you come out better on the other side.
Grief and growth really do go hand in hand.
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