Chasing Sunsets

 I've been feeling very restless as of late. Spending time at home has been difficult, especially as we reach summer and the days feel far too beautiful to be spent indoors, resulting in me rarely being at home. 

I have never craved or yearned for such ordinary, regular things before. Sadly, some days my energy levels are not always on board with my plans for such activities. I wanted to ride my bike to the beach the other evening in time for the sunset, and to drink a beer and write in my journal. But I felt utterly depleted and instead watched the sun's reflection on our backyard alfresco turn golden, then a deep orange, until a dark hazy blue. I had felt a FOMO usually only felt on the day of a large music festival or event that I was unable to attend and instead watch from the Instagram stories of my friends. 

I couldn't help but wonder what I may have missed sitting at home that evening. Could seeding down the large hill on my bike near my house have filled me a sense of euphoria as I eyed the approaching ocean in the distance? Would the sun making its decent and filling the sky with pastel hues have pervaded me with peace? Would I find clarity from the sight of the day's death? Would I have been so overwhelmed with beauty and a sense of utter content, that I would have finally been able to let go of my past that like vines has wrapped around my wrist and slowly grows further upon me?

These feelings and thoughts left me with three final conclusions.

The first is that I am hopelessly dramatic. 

The second is that, perhaps it is not the sunset I was chasing despite my desperate yearnings for it, or the fact that I have watched this time of day four times within the last week and still feel unsatisfied and grief for the ones I had missed. In fact, I have witnessed many beautiful sunsets before, most within this last year and yet, I need more. I still recall the bright pastel pink and purple sunset earlier this year, reflecting over the calm and still ocean I swam in. I remember an electric neon orange sunset, with puffy clouds scattering the sky in a array of pink and purples. 
And I remember how I had felt during them. In awe, vulnerable, excited and in love. 

Although these feelings are what I associate with the sunset, I understand now that it is not entirely responsible for these feelings. 
So, am I chasing the neon and pastels or am I chasing how I had felt? 

My bet is on the latter. 

Finally, the third I realize, is that despite the restlessness, cravings and dissatisfaction, I have witnessed more beautiful sunsets and sights than I have ever before. All feelings come and go and instead of looking at it from the perspective of, what am I missing to warrant such feelings? I must learn to look at it with the perspective of, what am I gaining from these feelings? 

I guess the answer to that is, life.