The Fearer

We, humans, are born with two innate fears; the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. The rest are simply learnt. 

This is what I had heard a few days ago via a video on TikTok. 

Although it is a rather obvious concept, if true, it has since sparked a great deal of thinking in me. What were my fears?
Well, abandonment, for starters. Being inadequate. Being unloved. Ending up in a loveless marriage. Winding up alone. Growing old. Just to name a few.
And when did I become ridden with these fears?
I guess a few came when I was a child and the other slowly squeezed their way into my subconscious when I was a teenager. 
How did they come about?
Well, I had felt abandoned by my parents when I was child. Lack of emotional reassurance throughout my upbringing had also influenced me to feel constantly unsure about other's feelings for me, even when they do in fact, love me. And then the fears of being inadequate, ending up in a loveless marriage, alone and growing old? I have no clue about their origin, and yet they're always there; lurking in the back of my mind - sometimes twirling at the front of it. 

And then how do I ensure that no more fears follow? Are they all a permanent part of me now? Can they, like my paralyzing fear of heights, be overcome? 

I thought deeply about all these things. I wondered what fears those close to me may have. How did theirs come about? Have I been inadvertently been responsible for any of them?

Because at the end of the day, our fears affect us. We make decisions that will ensure we avoid the potential outcomes we are afraid of, even the wrong ones. We judge situations quickly in order to establish whether it is a threat to our security, perhaps too fast. How many great things have our fears sabotaged for us? How many were rightly so?

Even though our fears are there to protect us, I decided that they were not doing us any favors - at least, they aren't doing me any. My fear of being alone and abandoned has me entertaining company that is no good for me. My fear of being inadequate takes away my authenticity in an attempt to be liked by others. My fear of being old has me neglecting my responsibilities so that I can behave as young as possible, as if I don't have a care in the world, in order to distract me from the inevitable. 

I also decided, that although several of my fears were from past experience, majority were not. The others had been learnt - not firsthand, but by the stories of others. Sure, I had witnessed loveless marriages and regret in the elderly, but I had not experienced them. They were not my lessons to be learnt and yet, I had taken them as learnings and then fears, anyway. I had inadvertently been living my life due to someone else's. I was destroying possibilities and ridding myself with worries that have nothing to do with me. 

So in conclusion to my thinking, I have decided to throw away all that is not mine to have. Emotions. Worries. Experiences. Sure, many stories are there to teach us such as not taking rides from strangers etc. Then again, that can also come down to common sense. But when it comes to fears for the future, or the present; basically anything that I worry about but do not know for sure is true, I will throw away. I will act based on my reality, not my thoughts. l will make decisions based on my experiences, not others'. 

And as for my fears of abandonment and being unloved, I will strive to un-learn them. Just because that was my past, does not mean it will be future.