I’d done something like this in high school once and thought it was kind of ridiculous. One: who in their right mind is going to be brutally honest in regards to their recent experiences on a piece of paper that their teacher is going to read and two: what have we possibly learnt other than Trigonometry and the social and economic consequences post World War One?
Most people in your grade who had the same interest in the show would have loved to have been Serena Van Der Woodsen; but not you – you wanted to be the Bitch.
I realize now that Blair was controlling and manipulative; exercising her power over people because she had quite little control over her own life.
Similarly, your own father was never around, quite like Blair’s father who left his family for another man. Not quite the same circumstances but similar ballpoint. And it hurt that your father put effort into seeing his other children and never you, despite your attempts. And you feel like he doesn’t care about you but instead you are just a burden that he is obliged to see every few months or so. It will drive you mad that the people around you will make excuses for him and will never understand. ‘At least he’s around’, they’ll say, if they called that ‘being around’.
So you’ll withdraw and stay on the outskirts, crushing on boys from afar and sticking to your small social group that you won’t be allowed to see very much out of school due to your strict household.
Nickelodeon is probably still your best friend during this time due to your lack of social life. But overall you consider yourself quite happy for now.
You won’t consume anything more than half your dinner and an iced coffee for the next couple years. But its worth it you think. The stomach cramps. The tiredness. At least you’re pretty, you think.
You’ll find that reading books during your lunch break or sitting in the Art Room is more preferable. At least in your head and in Art any of your ideas, including starting a blog for instance, won’t be laughed at or shut down.
You’ll cry during a lunch break from the boys talking about your blog, laughing and mocking your attempts at fundraising. But you will come up with another name, hide your identity and go through with it. It won’t be much, but keep it up and in a few years you’ll be exceptionally happy with some of the responses.
But you will. Oh, how you will.
And it will be a dark time. And sometimes you will see things that aren’t even there. And you will be terrified. And you will blame every problem with your life on everything else. In denial – even delusional.
So, firstly, it will get better. It will take a long time and you’ll give up sometimes but sometimes you’ll also have a lot of hope.
Secondly, every problem and every answer that you will find was within yourself. And the sooner you realize that you can’t blame anything or anyone else, the better you will be.
And you will be with someone amazing. Don’t take him for granted.